Locked Up Inside Myself
by Fields of paper
Summary: Kamui has a dark secret and refuses to let any one get to his soul; but will he tell Subauru his secret after all these years?
1. Self Pity

**Warnings**: The message itself. It'll say it at the end in the authors notes. I made this to give some people hope on a subject that a lot of people go through  
**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of CLAMPs work. Only if I did…

"**Crying is self pity,  
Cutting is bad,  
As for talking to a friend,  
why are you mad?  
Because no one will listen,  
And no one will care  
Keep it to yourself  
I know life isn't fair  
It's your problem  
So just keep it inside  
They know it exists  
But they forever try to hide.  
Don't blame them  
Just blame yourself  
But you can't let it show  
So put your feelings on the shelf  
If they see you cry  
Then they'll feel bad  
You can't let on  
Can't show that you're sad  
This is a warning,  
So you'd better take heed,  
Survive by yourself,  
No one else do you need."**

I never understood why Kamui was so twisted. Even as a child he was so… morbid. It so bad, that it horrified our mother. I know that he's hiding something from me. He was so… sad all of the time too. It was rare to get a real smile out of him. Some times, when we were young teenagers, he would wake up in the middle of the night crying and sobbing his eyes. He never told me why, though. He would just tell me to go back to bed, and he would silently scream inside himself. To this day, even though it's not as often, he'll start crying for no reason. I wish he would tell me what's going on…

_**~Kamui~**_

I've lived inside myself for years now. I keep a barrier around my heart, so that no one can see the true me; so no one could hurt me anymore. I've been penetrated before… but only once, when my defenses were down. Since then, I've kept myself in the dark. Not only my soul, but my body in the darkness as well. No one has ever touched me before on the inside… And that's how I've kept it for the past 10 years. No one can touch my soul like that ever again. No one. Because I won't let them.

The days have been melted together since I was 8 years old. That night… It happened so quickly, and yet, it affected me for years. I've been silently screaming inside myself for years. I wish the screams would stop.

"Kamui." I looked up and saw the teacher standing there, his arms folded across his chest. "What's the answer to problem three?" he asked. I looked behind him, at the board. Ha, I've been through high school 6 times. That was a piece of cake.

"The answer is 2098.3." I said, leaning back into my chair. I could feel the static on my back. The teacher turned at the board, as if some one had called him, and he nodded.

"Yes, very good." He remarked, clearing his throat. I noticed the stain of blush upon his face. The bell rang and Subaru and I got up, books in our arms. We walked down the hall, all the youths staring at us. Or me, for that matter. Whispers. So many whispers. About me. I sighed and pushed myself through the door, walking toward out house, I could just feel Subaru staring at me. But for some reason, I was comfortable with it. I guess that proves that we were once one embryo. I unlocked the door with the keys, each of them jangling together. An ugly sound. So rigid and unfolding; stubborn, you could say. I walked into the house, the familiar scents and sounds filing my empty senses. My mother was asleep on the couch; I noticed it when I dropped my back pack to the floor. Subaru and I walked upstairs to our room. At least thousands of pictures were pressed against the wall, not a space between them. Yes, I have to admit, we come from a line of picture freaks. I sighed and propped myself up against the bed frame, pulling out a book from under the bed. _War and peace. _First addition, one of the originals. My mother had bought it over 200 years ago. I cracked open the book and began to take in the information splayed out before me. So pretty, so nice. Such lovely thoughts put on thin sheets that will eventually disintegrate. Such a same, that these books will be forgotten. I sighed and continued to read. Subaru was staring at me. My eyes flicked upward, my head unmoving. His green gaze didn't even move. Like a cat, that wakes you up in the morning by staring at you two inches from your face. You could just feel the vibrating purr coming from its stomach. I asked him why he was staring.

"No reason. You just seem more glum than usual." He said casually. At least he could see my pain; I was relieved and also worried by that notion. I smiled at him weakly and his forehead wrinkled with worry. "Are you sure that you're okay?" he asked. He stretched out the 'sure;' he knew it annoyed me in a good way. I nodded glumly.

"I'm fine. Happy as a plum." I noted.

"Plums aren't happy. They're considered the fruit of sorrow." He counter acted my remark. Darn. Was that even a real fact? I sighed and continued to read. Tried to, anyway. Subaru kept inching toward me. I looked at him with disappointment.

"What?" I asked in pity. "Please let me read…" I said. He raised one eye brow. It was that look that said 'what did you just say to me?'

"Excuse me? You never, ever let me read a good book. So I should return the favor…" he said, ripping the book from my grip. I made an unexpected sound of sorrow. He put the book back under the bed and sat next to me; leaning into my skinny frame. I sighed and stood up, leaving my twin helpless. He grunted and stood up to follow me down stairs. Mother was cooking; I could smell the fresh vegetables in the air. I walked to the front door and went outside. I could see my breath as my body chilled under my clothes. I shuddered from the cold and breathed the warmth into my palms. It was cold even for a vampire. I hoped that I wouldn't get sick. I walked down the block and thought. Maybe Ii should just tell Subaru my secret. He's dying to know, and… It's killing me to keep it inside. Should I tell him that I was… raped?

-A/N

Hey guys, the reason that I wrote this is because millions of people get sexually abused; more than half of them are under 18. If this has happened to you, tell some one. You shouldn't bear that pain alone. Anyway, I hoped you liked it! I got the idea after watching channel 8 news about a 13 year old boy who got sexually abused. So I figured; Kamui has a dark secret. We all know it. Should this be it? Tell me if you liked this fic, and if you're reading this, please leave a review about it. Oh, and yes, I am writing another chapter. Promise. Hoped you liked it! Leave a review and add me to your favs if you are obsessed with the vampire twins. Ps. I listened to 'I hate every thing about you' but Three Days Grace while I was writing this fic. Good song isn't it? Byby, and see you in the next chapter!


	2. The truth

I made it home at about three a.m. Mother was furious; she sat me down at the table calmly, her lower jaw pushed forward, and she went off on me. I deserved it though. "Kamui, what has gotten into you lately? You've been acting so different lately. If theres something you need to say, say it!" she yelled, her eyes burning with a fiery passion; I hadn't seen her this angry in years. My heart scrunched up and I wanted to tell her; but my mouth would not let the words escape. She gave me a long lecture on my life, what was right and what was wrong, and she sent me up to my room.

The walk up was terrible; my legs were freezing, and I was dead tired. 27 steps may not seem much, but in this case it was like climbing a mountain. I stepped into our room quietly, and there was Subaru, sitting upright, his face angrier than ever. I had never seen Subaru give me that look. It frightened me for a moment to see that scowl, but I gathered myself up and sat next to him. He glared at me for a moment, his eyes golden slits, and he put a hand on my shoulder. What was the worst he could ever say?

"Kamui, don't you _ever_ do that again." He whispered.

There. I could live with that.

I sat quietly next to him for a moment, and I thought; should I tell him? This may be the only chance I get. If I don't tell him now, I may never be able to tell him. I took in a deep breath, my stomach tying itself into a knot, and I looked into his green eyes. "Subaru… theres something I have to tell you…"I whispered. He looked at me for a moment, his whole expression changing, and he nodded. I thought I was going to throw up in that moment. God, I hope he doesn't tell mom. "Subaru… I… I'm not a virgin…" I whispered. He didn't seem surprised, and it took me a minute to figure out why; I have had sex before, on my own will, twice actually, so this might not have been a shocker.

"Yeah, I know. So?" he said, his face in a twist of suspicion.

"No, that's not what I meant…" I whispered. "Subaru, I haven't been a virgin in 200 years…" I said. He stared at me for a split second before he stared at me in a pleading manner.

"What are you saying?" he asked, his eyes watering.

"Do you remember… when we first came home from running from _him_?" I asked. He gave a solid nod and motioned for me to continue. "Well… when… Seishiro… agreed to leave us alone… I-I made a deal with him, that…" I said, my throat closing in on me, my heart constricting, my eyes spilling the rest of the story; Subaru knew the rest, and he stood away from me, his eyes welling with tears.

"Kamui… you didn't…" He choked out, his voice in a crack. "Why? Just so that he would leave us alone?" he whispered harshly. Those words made me wince, even though they were barely audible. My eyes were beginning to hurt; there was something wet on my face; tears, maybe? No, that couldn't be.

"I-I thought that if I did it, he would leave us alone, and it would all go away. I thought that it was my fault…" I said. For some reason, that angered him.

"Kamui, it is _never_ your fault!" He said, putting a hand on my face; there _was_ something wet on my face, but it couldn't be tears. I blinked and a warm liquid left my eyes. I was crying? I don't think I've ever cried before. I've been hurt, but I have never cried before. My head was hurting, and my vision was blurring. I let out a small whimper, and he put his arms around me. "We have to tell mom…" he said. I pushed myself away from him, standing.

"No…" I growled. "If she finds out, it's all over. What's she gonna do anyway, cal the police? He's not here anymore Subaru! She can't do anything anyway!" I yelled.

I've become so numb, I wanted to say. My heart was actually _hurting_, and I couldn't do anything to stop it… I needed to make a choice… but… but how? How do I make that choice?

-A/N-

xxmavy asked me to continue this. I couldn't resist. It was fun writing this, but I don't think im done yet. But I have no idea what to do next. Give me your thoughts on how you want the story to go, and I'll take it into consideration. Leave it in the reviews please! I have no idea what the next chapter should be about… but I've been sucked into it… well, leave a review and tell me how you liked it! Thanks for reading!


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